Tuesday, July 5, 2011

"Because I said so!"

I recently spent a week on vacation in Fort Lauderdale Beach. It was a time for much needed rest and relaxation. As I walked along the shore on one warm sunny day, I came across 3 young girls. They were lined up along the beach wall, sitting with their backs to the ocean. All three looked pretty sad with their heads bowed and eyes looking toward the ground. I soon realized they were averting the eyes of the woman I assume was their mother. The young woman wore a look of utter frustration (I recognized that look from my own parenting experiences) as she screamed four words at the children, “…because I say so!?”

How often had those same words uttered from my mouth, usually when I was at a loss for how to get through to my son when he was misbehaving or making some choice that I thought would end badly? I could feel her exasperation as she implored them to follow the rules. After all, the rules are designed to keep our kids safe, right? The question really is “How effective is this method?” For us, as parents? For our kids? It seems more often than not, we all end up stressed and the behavior repeats itself again.

As I stood there walking slowly by I was struck by the irony of these young children with their backs to this beautiful, serene environment while they faced the momentary wrath of a caregiver. It’s a lot like life, where we often fail to see the beauty and serenity around us because we’re focused on the negativity or stressful event right in front of us. When storm clouds cover the sky, we know that it’s temporary and that the blue sky is still underneath and will eventually return. When those same dark clouds loom in our life, we often forget that the “sky” will clear again. It seems that the clouds will remain forever.

At times like these we can choose to give ourselves and our kids a mini time-out, helping us return to the reality of the present moment and away from our fear of what may happen when our kids don’t listen. Try the following Breath Awareness exercise with your child...

Tell your child, “Let’s take a minute to focus on our breathing together.”

“Let’s pay attention to how we’re breathing in and out.”

“Let’s see what thoughts we can find moving around in our minds. Our thoughts come and go; we’re just watching them move around.”

“We’re okay right here and now. We’re in this together.”

After 1-2 minutes check in to see how you and your child are feeling. Give your child a chance to share her feelings. Share your feelings with your child also and note how they may have changed For example, “Mommy was feeling very upset (feeling) when you were about to cross the street because I was afraid (emotion) you might get hurt (thought). I’m calmer now and I want to talk about why it’s important to listen we’re out near traffic.”

The above mindful practice can help you and your child to calm down in a high stress situation. In the example, the mother is able to identify her thoughts and label feelings and emotions. This process can begin to help your child also see the connections between our thoughts and our feelings/emotions and how that influences our behavior.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about this. Please post a comment or share your own story with using one of the mindful practices at stories@parentingyourstressedchild.com.

Supporting Parents. Empowering Kids.

Dr. Michelle Bailey provides individual and group trainings for parents, children, teens and young adults designed to build healthy stress management skills. For details visit www.ParentingYourStressedChild.com or contact us at info@parentingyourstressedchild.com.

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